Random Thoughts

Acceptance, Self Love & Healing The Past

I feel like I have already learned this lesson, but it is interesting how life moves and new cycles begin, I often seem to encounter the same lesson but integrate it on a deeper level the next time it comes up for review in my reality.  It is one thing to learn a concept and understand it on the surface level, but to truly surrender and heed what certain lessons are trying to teach you, is a different ball game.

Today’s lesson was acceptance of what is. 

Acceptance of my current reality. Acceptance of the past.

Acceptance of my self, flaws and all. 

I lost this lesson after certain parts of my life changed and I experienced the great wheel of life turning, and I realized that I had been fighting against of lot of things, on mostly a subconscious level.  I was forcing my will and trying to trump divine timing by starting something new, when the old was still being released and healed.

I forgot to accept myself fully and come from a place of self love on my never ending self mastery journey – especially after the holidays where I got slightly off track with my nutrition and exercise regimen.

I realized I was masking some of the pain I had inside, from a previous relationship that never materialized into what I imagined it to be, I wasn’t letting that wound heal.  I was numbing the pain but not treating myself as nicely as I have learned to do – and was doing over the summer –  I was covering it with band aids and telling myself I was fine and over it.  The truth is that the pain runs deep, and I need to take more of a time out to close that cycle, and heal that wound, with my intent, attention, focus and love.  I was pushing myself too hard.

Love is one of the most divine energies that we can experience, and I was spreading it everywhere except to myself.  I was doing such a good job, then that relationship cycle ended, and I was continuously jumping over that trip wire of healing that was trying to knock me down completely, so I could lay there on the ground, at rock bottom, and rest my weary bones, and let the pain seep back into the earth and up to the heavens, and let the light back into myself.  I wasn’t letting that happen.  Because I didn’t want to admit the defeat.

But I now realize that I have been defeated for the past six months.  I have been limping along, running on 3 cylinders, delusional in the fact that I was ok.  Now, I am letting myself feel this pain, for what it is.  It is ok to be really hurt. and to be really vulnerable. and to admit failure, and extreme heart break.  I know I am okay and that life goes on, but I never let myself admit that I WASN’T ok for a while. So, I admit it.  I was/am truly broken by the ending of that karmic cycle.  I embrace my hurt, damaged, weak, vulnerable, bleeding self…and kiss all of my wounds and love them tenderly back into wholeness.  I honor my pain, my grief, my regret, and I feel it fully.  

Only now, are the pieces beginning to fall into place…the map forward beginning to form into a tangible step by step journey into something new.  Before it was all jumbled and blocked from my minds eye because I wasn’t integrating the healing lesson.

only now am I understanding that the path towards new love, still begins with unconditional love for my self.  and unconditional self love is deep and requires a lot of time and effort, and I must let myself heal now…img_1883

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